Pursuing Magic: A Q&A with Victoria Song, Leadership Advisor and Author

With a degree in Economics from Yale, an MBA from Harvard and flourishing career in venture capital, Victoria Song seemed well on her way to having it all. She realized, however, that being successful didn't mean that she was fulfilled. Victoria started working with coaches on almost every part of her life and ended up leaving venture capital to become a sought-after leadership advisor to CEOs, artists and entrepreneurs. She has also written her first book, Bending Reality: How to Make the Impossible Probable.

You started as a venture capitalist and now you are an author and executive coach. Was it always your plan to leave the VC field after a while or was there something that made you decide to leave?

I entered venture capital in 2010 when I was 23 years old, before there were “Women in VC” forums and organizations. The dearth of women in VC was just starting to become a hot topic. I loved working with founders, CEOs and their startups. I feel so fortunate to have been given so much access, influence, and exposure to leaders, boardrooms and high-level decision making. It was truly a dream job for someone young, eager to learn, and wanting to be a part of the exciting, growing trend of entrepreneurship.

I experienced the thrill of chasing a hot, competitive deal and winning it. I cultivated deep, trust-based relationships with founders. I even created my own unique way of finding exciting investment opportunities that led to one of my fund’s greatest returns to date. But ultimately it was a boy’s club where my youth and gender identity tilted the floor in a way that felt like more a climb for me than for the older men around me.

When a new founder walked into my office and asked me to bring them coffee because they assumed I was an EA [executive assistant], I was reminded. When I noticed the male VCs sharing deal flow over a drink at the bar or sports game, I was reminded. When my male colleagues tiptoed around the right time and place to mentor me because they didn’t want me or their wives to feel like anything inappropriate was happening, I was reminded. When my male colleagues were invited out to weekend trips with the partners, I was reminded. When the partners continued to see me as more of a “daughter” they were raising than as a peer, I was reminded. When founders we had backed tried to initiate romantic advances, I was reminded. When high-profile entrepreneurs were more interested in taking me out for a drink than in networking with me, I was reminded. When other male VCs invited me to coffee to “network” only to comment on my looks, and ask me questions about my sex life, I was reminded.

I was tired of proving that I was smart enough, valuable enough, important enough to be taken seriously. I was tired of placating the egos of the gatekeepers who would carrot me with “hot deals” or “under the radar opportunities” that I’d need to go through them to access. I was tired of being cut off from friendships with high profile entrepreneurs because I didn’t want to sleep with them.

And most importantly, all for what? To make our wealthy LPs wealthier? To invest in technologies to save time and extend life when the people around me didn’t seem to know quite how to enjoy the time and days they already had?

This and a few other factors compounded and in 2016, I decided to leave an industry that many of my Yale and Harvard Business School classmates were clamoring to break into.

What has been your most life-changing “a-ha moment” so far?

The moment I hired my first coach. I hadn’t realized how much of my life I’d been living on autopilot before then. How much I cared what others thought about me. How much I was repeating the same patterns in my romantic relationships. How much family programing around achieving was still driving my choices. How much of my personality was a reaction to things that have happened to me instead of who I actually am – my soul essence.

I can distinctly see that my life can be divided into two eras: Victoria Before Coaching and Victoria After Coaching. It has made all the difference for me which is why I became a power user of coaches, sometimes working with four at a time. I’ve since worked with 25 and counting: life coaches, business coaches, money coaches, sex coaches, relationship coaches, female empowerment coaches, health coaches, leadership coaches, mindset coaches, somatic coaches, spiritual coaches.

I wouldn’t be where I am today without the growth and evolution made possible by all of them. I’ve invested hundreds of thousands of dollars and a decade of my life so far studying this. My work is a curated compilation of the very best wisdom, tools and techniques I’ve learned and embodied in all these areas.

How did the idea for your book Bending Reality: How to Make the Impossible Probable come about and what was the writing process like for you?

In May 2020, I set the intention of creating my life’s work during the quarantine. And just like that – abracadabra – I create as I speak. The next day, all the chapter sections came through. And then the book wrote me, 200 pages in one week.

This is the kind of event that defies logic, time, and odds that I teach you how to make probable through the principles in my book. I teach you how to bend reality.

Before this writing experience, I believed it would take me months and maybe years to write a book. I believed it would be a difficult and uncomfortable process. I believed I wasn’t a good enough writer. I thought I’d need to take months off and go live in a remote cabin to find the focus and inspiration to write.

Then I learned of a friend who had fun writing his book, and it created a new possibility in me to enjoy writing mine. I learned there were companies out there you could pay to write the book for you, and then the idea came through. I remembered Elizabeth Gilbert saying you need to take fast action on the idea, or it will find another willing writer, so I let it come through me.

The book changed me. I’m not the same person who first received the download. I had my first experience of being an antenna and receiving a unique stream of information from what felt like the internet of collective consciousness. I was able to ask any question, and almost as if I was googling a result, the answer would instantaneously come to me telepathically. As the book wrote me, it was answering my own questions in real time of my asking. It was as if I was learning and documenting at the same time. Merely taking notes on what I was receiving.

This book was a gift to me that I will cherish forever. The vulnerability of putting myself out there in a visible way, the claiming of my voice and story, and the recognizing of old beliefs that were getting in the way of my bringing it into the world, was in and of itself the greatest growth spurt since I hired my first coach.

What is one thing women mistakenly think they need to have or do in order to succeed?

Many women mistakenly believe they need to be more masculine and less feminine in order to succeed. From physical appearance to leadership style, I notice women dress in gender-neutral clothing, cut their hair short, make linear, analytical points instead of bold, creative ones, focus on competition instead of collaboration, prioritize overdoing, value logic and data over intuition and instincts.

They’ve internalized that all “feminine qualities” are weak and attempt to play down anything that makes them stand out as being a woman. However, as a Leadership Advisor, I can assure you that even men are beginning to see the value in feminine qualities.

Femininity is not about how much you like pink or how put-together you look, it’s about how much you honor and respect the feminine within you and within every human.

Do you judge men as weak when they express any sadness? Do you judge and criticize other women? Do you feel more comfortable giving something than receiving something? Do you focus on what’s missing, what’s lacking, what’s not enough? Do you value profitability over sustainability? Do you attempt to control and predict things or are you comfortable trusting what emerges? Do you value cognitive intelligence over emotional intelligence? Do you focus on power over or power with? Do you enforce hierarchy or do you empower others to rise? Are you commanding or inspiring?

Every answer of “yes” to one of these questions shows you where you’re still leaning into the masculine. Men and women will realize their full potential once they learn to respect and honor BOTH the masculine and feminine equally within themselves and within others. That is when we will have achieved true gender equality.

Do you think that being an Asian American woman has affected your career, positively or negatively, in any way?

Especially in the tech world, Asian women seem to be highly sexualized by men. However, it does seem easier for Asian women than other women of color to break into male-dominated industries.

As with all things in life, I believe there are pros and cons to everything. Being an Asian American woman, education, success, and investing in my future are deeply ingrained. It’s normal to work hard, which is both good and bad. You’ll do what it takes for a better future, at times you may work harder, longer hours than your peers, or even be given more laborious work due to this work ethic.

You may be more likely to be “obedient” than stand up for yourself. You may wait for your manager to notice your contributions and avoid any self-promotion. You may value the culture of seniority and age, and not expect to have a voice in key decisions. You may quietly and diligently wait to move up as you notice people around you somehow moving up faster.

I was wired this way and living on autopilot until I consciously woke up and started to create the version of me that I am proud of. I’d say, my experience as an Asian American woman was exactly what I needed in order to sculpt the woman I’ve become today.

What is something you wish people would stop doing when it comes to their careers?

The #1 thing I see people doing is choosing careers to prove themselves. Coveting boring, painful jobs that are “hard to get” because it says something about them, and the prestige if they can land one and keep one. It feels like one of the most untapped resources on the planet. All that intelligence, youth, and talent that could be invested in solving global problems or pursuing something you love… instead you may be stuck at a job wondering if you matter, if you’re smart enough or have anything worth contributing.

I believe that once we go through this phase and realize we do matter – that people would actually pay us for our natural talents – then we graduate to the phase of wanting to work on something that matters.

This is what I most wish for you when it comes to your career, to move quickly through these phases so that the world can benefit from your gifts and passions… and yes, you can make more money than you ever imagined doing what you love.

Is there a favorite childhood memory that shaped who you are today?

One of my favorite childhood memories is saving birds from my neighbor’s cat, Didi. I was on a mission. Whenever I saw the cat playing with a bird, I grabbed my water gun and sprayed the cat until it ran away. Then I would place the bird in a shoe box, and put Neosporin on its injured parts. I’d feed the bird water out of a straw until it was fully recovered and would fly off.

Most the birds didn’t make it. But I’ll never forget the day when one of the birds was healed; it flew back with a whole flock of birds. They landed in the tiny front yard of our townhouse and they chirped for what felt like eternity. My mom and I stood there and received their songs of gratitude. It was the first time I experienced such magic. That experience changed me in ways I’ll never understand. Let’s just say my life has continued to be a pursuit of magic.